


Unchained

by Es_Aitch



Series: Adventures of Brielle [3]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Suicide Attempt, adult concepts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-11 18:17:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4446659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor and Brielle meet again.  15 years later for her and billions of years later for him.  But this time, the TARDIS might have had something to do with it...</p><p>SPOILERS through "Husbands of River Song"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm updating this to be compliant through "Husbands of River Song". I want to see how their interactions change now that we have a Doctor who's lived through his Confession Dial faced with a human who had also been falsely imprisoned.

It had been two months since the Doctor and River Song had parted ways on Darillium. While the TARDIS was doing her best to make the transition easier on him, he still had not yet found a companion. Not that he minded being on his own too much. At least, he did not think he was as bad off as everyone thought he might be. Besides, being on his own led to meeting more people. He wasn’t dependent on just one person. While it sometimes took a bit for people to trust him, he figured that people who didn’t trust him weren’t worth the time or effort.

Still, an idle or bored Time Lord was never good, especially when it came to the alien who’s best attribute was running. He had been running ever since he had looked into the Untempered Schism. Eight years old, which was so. Very. Long. Ago. Especially when he thought about his time in the Confession Dial. He did not know what he was running away from this time. Something told him that he should probably use this time to do something more productive than run, but he just needed something beyond the silence.

The silence had been quite the issue in his Ninth and Tenth bodies. During his last Regeneration, it had quelled a bit. That, or he had gotten used to it. Now, without a full-time companion, it had returned with a vengeance. It gave him too much time to think. Perhaps that is what he was running from… It could not possibly have anything to do with how he constantly questioned if he was a good man or not or with the pain and sorrow that resided in his soul after sending River on her way.

He blocked the disapproval of the TARDIS out of his mind. He just could not deal with that on top of all the other thoughts in his head. Oh, he knew she was only trying to help, but right now, her single voice only reminded him of the additional voices he wanted to hear. So many companions lost along the way…

He did not pull out any tools or hit her, but he was not exactly gentle as he pushed buttons and pulled levers. Suddenly, the TARDIS materialized. He did not want to stop. He wanted to keep running. The Doctor did everything he could to get her going again, but she simply refused to budge. Finally, in aggravation, he kicked the console and hurt his foot. “Owwww!”.

He slumped back onto one of the sets of stairs, cradling his foot. When the throbbing ceased, he stood and spoke crossly to the central column. “What are you doing? Why have you stopped?”

The TARDIS remained quiet. Well, yes he was blocking her out a bit. He huffed and thought about the times when Amy and Rory would fight. “ _Lovers’ Quarrel_ ,” indeed. The Doctor sighed, walked towards the door, opened it, and walked through the doors.

The Doctor was a bit shocked at the sight that greeted him. He was just outside of what was obviously a twenty-first century prison. The only part of the name he could see was “Woman’s Facility.” He turned back to the TARDIS trying to figure out what her game was. When he turned back around, he saw a guard escorting a woman out of the prison. She was in her 30’s and after a few moments, he realised that she was a woman that he recognised, even though she had grown and aged. He never forgot any of his companions – no matter how long or short their time together. Well, unless an outside force caused him to forget. He still didn’t have memories of Clara, even if he had worked to piece their time together. His breath hitched as he quietly spoke the woman’s name, “Brielle.”

She was the only woman in the whole of Creation that he had ever intentionally allowed to listen to “His Song.” Of course, at the time, he thought he was on a journey to his death, so although she had asked him if she would see him again, he really did not think she would. He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering how he had helped her. And oddly, how she had helped him. He had no idea what purpose her presence had served in his life until Ood Sigma had appeared to “Sing him to his sleep.” Sharing his song with her had made him more receptive to the song the Ood were singing for him.

His focus returned to the scene before him. The guard handed Brielle a small bag and then returned to the inside of the prison. She turned to face the parking lot. Even from this distance, she looked like she wanted to return with the guard. The Doctor sighed. “Oh, Brielle, what has happened to you?”

He strained onto his tiptoes to see if anyone was waiting for her or had come to pick her up. She looked lost. The Doctor looked at the TARDIS. “No. Not going down ‘Memory Lane’! Had enough of that already!”

He stalked back to the doors and tried to open them, but they remained stubbornly closed, no matter what he did to gain entrance. He sighed as his gaze returned to Brielle. She sank to the ground where she was and wrapped her arms around her legs. He shoved his hands in his pockets and started to slowly walk toward her. The TARDIS had materialized around the corner from the entrance to the building. He had to walk around the fenced yard to get to where Brielle was sitting.

When the Doctor saw the expression on Brielle’s face, a bit of his compassion broke through. He recognized the look. It was one of defeat and agony. It was a look of unending sadness. He had seen it in the mirror on his own features. He knows he wore it so many times in his Confession Dial. When he thought about it, the prison probably hadn’t been all that different for Brielle. Whatever had happened to her had obviously hardened her. He silently cursed himself. Had he saved her that day only to sentence her to this, whatever “this” was?

He did not expect her to recognize him – it had been two bodies and billions of years ago when he had met her last time. She did not move and gave no acknowledgement to his approach. For the first time in a long time, he found himself at a loss for words. A part of him wanted to return to the TARDIS and simply leave, but another part of him could not resist the mystery that she posed. Whatever events had led to Brielle being in prison, he strongly doubted that she was actually guilty of it, or if she was, there had to have been extenuating circumstances.

He stopped a few feet away from her. He did not want to startle her or provoke an attack from her like he had done the last time. Then he remembered, he should say something. He paused for a few moments, trying to think of the perfect words. “Hullo, Brielle.”

He groaned inwardly. It felt like such a petty greeting in the face of the haunted look in her eyes. She stood while picking up the small bag. She avoided making eye contact with him. But she did not seem surprised that a stranger would speak to her so casually. Her voice was so soft when she spoke that he nearly did not hear her. “Are you my ride?”

He looked from her, to the TARDIS, to the parking lot with no one waiting for her. He sighed and replied just as quietly. “I suppose I am.”

She still did not make eye contact. He gestured with his arm to invite her to walk with him. She did not move until he did and even then, she walked a little in front of him and not next to him. It seemed odd to him that she would take the lead, but then he realised she was not actually leading him. She was using some ingrained sense of… _Oh! Well, yes. Prisoner_. She would be used to being forced to walk in front of the guards.

They continued in silence. The Doctor led Brielle back to the TARDIS, still not knowing if she remembered him or not. He was unsure how she would respond to a Police Box after being released from a prison. He did not have a choice, but he would have preferred it to be easier on her. He got to the TARDIS doors and pulled the key out to unlock them. He turned to face her, his tone more gentle than usual. “I’m the Doctor. This is the TARDIS. And it’s bigger on the inside.”

She still did not make eye contact, but nodded her head in acknowledgement. With that he opened the door. “I think you should go first.”

He could tell her experience in prison had trained her that she should always do what she was told. It had probably killed any sense of autonomy she had. There was going to be a lot of work to help get her back on her feet. She walked in first and he tried to unknot his stomach as he thought that she was doing as he ordered rather than as he suggested. He followed behind and shut the doors.

The Doctor was watching Brielle’s every move. He could tell she was completely numb to all around her. Bit disappointing. He figured that she would have some reaction to all the changes or if she did not remember, at least a response to being on the TARDIS in general. But another part of him figured that it was just because she was in a state of shock. He walked over to the console, pressed the preset that sent them into the Vortex, and released the handbrake. The Doctor silently thanked the TARDIS for such a smooth transition.

Once they were in the Vortex, he looked Brielle up and down. She was very thin. He would want to run a full set of tests in the medical bay, but not yet. First he had to figure out if she remembered anything about their last encounter. He cleared his throat. “I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m the Doctor. We met when you fell through some ice trying to rescue your trumpet...”

He watched her features. When she gave no indication of recognition, he continued, “Are you hungry?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “ _Well_ ,” he thought to himself, “ _At least that’s a reply_.”

He led her to the kitchen. He pulled out some bread and instant soup and started the kettle for some tea. She stood there, clutching her little bag and not sitting down. He sighed when he realized just how well trained the guards had her. “You can sit, if you want. You don’t have to wait for my permission.”

Again, she nodded a bit mechanically and sat. She placed her bag on the table next to her. He set a small plate with the bread on it in front of her. She looked like she was about to wait for permission again, but then her hunger over-took her and she grabbed the bread and started eating it quickly.

The Doctor smiled at first, since she did something without invitation, but he was worried about her getting sick. He slowly knelt next to her so as not to startle her. He tried to catch her attention with just his physical proximity. When she did not seem to notice him, he gently touched one of her hands. She winced, but it was almost a violent reaction. Typical. The one time he makes an effort to touch another and this is what he gets. Still, he figured he had her attention now. “Go slower, I don’t want you to get sick.”

Even though he had been extremely gentle, calm, and soft-spoken, there was a look of horror and panic in Brielle’s eyes. He cursed himself internally and then stood to finish the tea. The soup was ready, so he brought it over to her. “Be careful it’s hot. And you don’t have to stop eating altogether. Just… go a bit slower.”

She again nodded absently. He did not like to see her like this. It was like looking at a ghost or a shadow. He scoffed as he thought to himself, “ _Or a regeneration_.” Prison had obviously stripped every sense of self away from her. And he did not know what to do with it. He could not connect to humans in this body in the way he had before. If memory served, though, she had not been all that bothered by the fact that he was an alien.

When the tea was ready, he brought over the two mugs and sat across from her.   She was halfway through her soup when she turned colour. He could tell she was about to vomit, but wanted to see how she would handle it. He tried not to grimace as he could tell the first time she swallowed it back. The second time proved too much and she ran to the sink and vomited in there. When she was done, she rinsed her mouth out. Then, it was as if she started to act on autopilot. Her eyes were again wide with fear. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!”

He was stunned into silence at the sound of her voice. Like his own, it was older than he remembered, but that fear – that was very familiar indeed. He watched in horror as she reached into the sink to try to pick up the sick and swallow it. That was too much. The Doctor sprang to his feet and was next to her in two strides. “Brielle, No! Stop. You don’t have to do that here.”

She was crying and fighting against him. He had to force her hands under the water and then he used the nozzle to rinse the rest of the vomit down the drain. He quickly moistened a flannel and wiped her face down. He turned back to the sink and Brielle collapsed on the floor in a sitting position. She was using her arms to cover as much of her body as possible. He dried his hands and squatted next to her. “Brielle? I’m not going to hurt you. Come back to the table, I’m sure if you drink a bit of tea it will calm your stomach.”

She violently shook her head no. He nodded. “Okay, you don’t have to eat anymore. Would you like to lie down?”

She curled more tightly around herself in response. He could put her to sleep, but in her current condition, he really was not sure what that would do to her. He simply said her name again. He spoke it barely above a whisper. He extended his hand into what he thought would be her line of sight and when she didn’t take it, he gently put it under her forearm. He helped her to stand and she grabbed her little bag as they passed the table.

He led her across the hall to where the TARDIS had a room ready for her. It was simple, but was probably more than she had in the last… however long she had been in prison. The Doctor turned the bedclothes down for her. When he turned back around, he noticed Brielle had taken off all of her clothes. She then moved to the bed in a wanton manner. The Doctor swallowed thickly and covered her over. Her face fell as she spoke softly. “I thought you wanted to lie down. Do I not please you?”

The Doctor was surprised to realise that a few tears began to form in his eyes. “Oh, Brielle… You don’t have to do that to please me.” He knew it was dangerous but he rested his hand on her cheek - a part of him still saw her as the young girl he had met so long ago. “Just get some rest.” He bit his lip, but decided if she was in shock, that maybe she had disassociated and did not really know where she was. For now, he played along with the images. “I just want to know you're safe.”

She looked like she was trying to process that, but she finally closed her eyes. The Doctor sighed with relief; it had worked! She seemed to succumb to sleep a few minutes later. He stayed to watch over her for a bit and when he was certain she was sleeping, he exited her room and made for the console room.

The TARDIS was again being very cooperative and had placed Brielle’s room right next to the Control Room, so he would be able to hear her if she needed him. He now understood partly why the TARDIS had landed when she did. Brielle clearly needed help. He just wished he was more confident in being able to offer it.

The Doctor entered the control room and walked over to the monitor. Normally, he would allow people to tell him their stories in their own time. This time, he did not think it would be a good idea to wait. He needed to know what he was going to have to deal with. He decided to research her life.

The TARDIS database compiled all the records about her. He found that she had graduated high school on time. Not the highest in her class, but not the lowest either. The same could be said for college. There was one a police report about domestic violence in her home one summer before her junior year in college. She had made the call, but it was about her father hitting her mother. He sighed, remembering his first encounter with her. It had probably been going on for sometime and she finally felt she was in a position to do something about it and if the consequences were disownment, she would still be able to survive on her own by then. He continued on, she graduated college and then received an internship in another state. Due to homesickness, she had returned home about eighteen months later.

That was when the story turned depressing. She began to work at a shelter for abused and abandoned children. The Doctor smiled softly at that. All the abuse she had suffered and all she wanted to do was help others. That was six years ago, her linear time. According to a police report, she had sexually assaulted one of the children. The Doctor’s hearts dropped into his stomach. He could not imagine her doing that.

He pulled up police reports and trial notes. He learned that she had been terrorised every step of the way, one of the notes showed that when the prosecuting attorney was confronted about his tactics of going after an innocent person, he replied, “Well _someone_ needs to pay for the crimes committed against that child.”

The Doctor’s blood boiled upon reading that. He shouted at the screen, “Going after another innocent is no better!”

He went back to the main reports. Brielle was found guilty at trial and sentenced to 50 years in the women’s correctional facility. Over the course of the investigation and trial, her family and friends had abandoned her. He then turned to the prison reports. They documented how she had been abused, raped, and attacked in the most horrible ways. He scoffed to himself. Inmates have a ‘code of ethics’ of their own and nothing was worse then harming a child sexually, so the other inmates thought they were exacting justice by attacking her.

Nowhere, in any of the prison reports did it say that Brielle had talked about her innocence. Perhaps the trial had destroyed any sense of hope she had. Perhaps she thought things would be easier for her if she simply accepted what was happening to her. “ _More likely_ ,” the Doctor thought, “ _The abuse she had suffered from her classmates, and apparently witnessed in her home, had convinced her that she somehow deserved everything that was happening to her_.”

The Doctor hung his head in an attempt to control his emotions. He did not want to care. He was not that kind of man any more. But, the suffering Brielle had endured, well it was hard not to care in the face of it. She had just turned twenty-five when the accusation had been made. She was barely getting started with her adult life and her adult life was over because of a lie and a court system that allowed for such horrible tactics. He forced himself to continue reading.

Her attorney was the only one to not give up on her. The woman had worked tirelessly on her behalf for nearly five years. She was able to prove Brielle’s innocence and had gotten her sentence overturned. The day before Brielle was due to be released, the attorney was found dead, presumed of a heart attack. A later report showed that the child, who was now seventeen, was going to be arrested for a string of false accusations made starting with three before the one made against Brielle. The child had drugged Brielle’s attorney and ended up in prison for her murder.

The Doctor would have to keep that to himself, since that had not yet happened in Brielle’s timeline. He wondered if the reason no one was there to pick her up was because her attorney was supposed to be there. He could only presume that even if anyone in the prison had known, they had not told her. Well, as far as he knew, anyway. Once she was more cognitive of her surroundings, he would have to ask some questions to find out how much she knew.

After that, it was as if Brielle disappeared off the face of the Earth. There were no death reports, no name changes, and no glimpses on CCTV. The Doctor searched all the databases the TARDIS had access to, but there was just… nothing.

After several hours of this research, the Doctor finally switched off the monitor and turned to lean back against the console. He ran his hands over his face and made a sound of frustration. He knew more about Brielle than he ever wanted to and he knew the road ahead would be a long one for her. He turned back to the central column. “Yes, she needed someone, but I’m not the sort of man she needs. I wouldn’t be good for her.”

“ _Rubbish._ ” The TARDIS spoke into his mind.

He continued to stare at the column. “Really? What good could I possibly be in the face if this?”

“ _She needs to be reminded of her Song_.”

The Doctor growled. “It’s not as easy as that and you know it!”

“ _I did not say it would be easy, I said it is what she needs_.”

He scoffed. “And clearly you think it’s something I need too.”

The TARDIS hummed a sad sort of acknowledgement. A moment later, a horrified scream tore through the TARDIS. The Doctor ran to Brielle’s room. She was still asleep, in the obvious throws of a night terror. He watched her as her violent moves tangled the bedclothes around her. That was when he remembered she was naked. He walked back over to her pile of clothes and straightened them out on the near-by chair. He picked up her bag and figured it contained all of her earthly possessions. He resisted the urge to go through it and set it on top of her clothes.   Then he turned to the small cupboard in her room and pulled out a fluffy and comfortable bathrobe. He went to the bureau and pulled a nightshirt out for her. He placed both on her bed. She was no longer screaming, but he could tell she was still having a nightmare.

Finally, when the Doctor could stand it no more, he decided to try to wake her. The trick was to not shout at her and not touch her. He knew well enough from his own nightmares how startling it could be to waken from them. He kneeled next to the bed and whispered in her ear. “Brielle.”

Being a touch telepath he was not sure it would work, but it had with Rose, so maybe it would. He called again. “Brielle.”

She seemed to calm slightly. Very softly, the sound of the TARDIS changed within her room. A look of disgust formed across his features as he recognized the ‘sounds of the universe’ being played in her room. But, then he saw how it calmed the woman in the bed. He rested his hand on the wall affectionately, but his words were like steel. “Fine. You always know best! I’ll help her as best I can.”

“ _That is all I have ever asked of you, my Pilot_.”

The Doctor wanted to grimace at her affectionate tone, but instead it came out as a faint smile. As the music got louder, Brielle became less agitated. The Doctor called to her again. “Brielle.”

She moaned softly and stretched. He could tell she was beginning to wake up. He opted to give her some space; he decided to move her clothes again and pulled the chair closer to her. Then, he sat down, rested his arms on his knees, leaned forward, and watched her intently.


	2. Chapter 2

Brielle slowly came to awareness. She felt a soft warm bed beneath her and heard the most soothing sound in the universe. She had dreamed often of that sound. She always hoped to capture it, ever since the first time she heard it…. She gasped and sat straight up in bed, then looked down at herself and found she was naked. The presence of the man in the room still had not registered. She clutched the sheets to herself and asked aloud. “Where am I?”

The Doctor had watched with concern, but did not speak or reply to her. He knew she needed to take the lead and he would wait for her. Finally, her eyes came to rest on the man in her room. She gasped. There was a stranger in her room and she was naked in the bed. But then she looked into the man’s eyes; at once they were so different and so familiar. The sounds in the TARDIS swelled slightly again and she understood.

Brielle knew the man… alien. He had saved her once, oh a lifetime ago. During the past sixteen years, she had dreamed so often of him appearing to save her and here he was! Her voice was much softer than when she had spoken the first time. “Doctor?”

A very slight smile spread across his features and he nodded slowly. She continued, “After all this time… you finally came for me…. And you still look the same.”

The Doctor could tell that Brielle remembered everything – or at least enough. It was a bit of a relief really, to realise that earlier she was just in shock. But then his features came together in a frown. “What do you mean I still look the same?”

He had regenerated. He was a new man – two times over. Yet, she said he still looked the same. She tilted her head and offered a small shrug. “I told you I would recognise your eyes anywhere.”

He still looked at her in confusion; he knew the colours of his eyes were different. Brielle saw that he did not understand what she was saying. “You carry the universe in them.”

He smiled again. This time it was soft and affectionate. Not that anyone would accuse him of being affectionate in this body. But, the smile was pulled from him because someone understood. Yes, he was a different man, but he was also the same man. A part of him wondered if somehow she could see the vortex in his eyes. And she seemed to accept that he was an alien – because she did not look afraid of him. Of course, given what she had gone through, either everything would scare her or nothing would. Like Ruby had said so long ago, “Nothing surprises us any more.”

Brielle suddenly became self-conscious as she tried to put the pieces of her memory together. She gripped the sheet more tightly to herself. “Yesterday. I… and then… and…” She shook her head, as she tried to clear it. “This _is_ the TARDIS, right?”

He only nodded, allowing her to puzzle it out until she asked for help. She looked down at herself again, then at him and back at herself. She turned several shades of deep red. She stuttered out. “I didn’t… I mean you and I… we…” She did not know how to say it.

It took the Doctor a minute to catch up. “Oh! No. Never. You… well…” He made an awkward gesture at the bed. “Then I simply covered you over.”

She swallowed thickly and avoided looking at him. She gathered the bedclothes about her and walked to where he had placed her clothes.   She picked them up, turned her back to him and adjusted the sheets to protect his dignity; she did not have any of her own left, then got dressed. She kept the bed sheet adjusted so that the Doctor could not see more than what he already had.

When Brielle was dressed, she grabbed her little bag and without looking at the Doctor, spoke softly. “Just take me back.”

He looked startled for a moment, but she was straightening the sheets on the bed, so missed it. He tried to keep his voice calm. “If that’s what you want.”

She whispered. “It’s what I deserve.”

With his sense of hearing, he had no trouble understanding what she said. His hearts broke a little as that one statement revealed what she now thought of herself. He wanted to help her. He took a breath and spoke softly. “Why do you think that?”

She turned to face him, but did not raise her head. “You arrived there. Don’t you know?”

He leaned back in the chair. “The TARDIS brought me there, as she did the first time we met. “ He sighed knowing that was not enough of an answer. If Brielle deserved anything right now, it was honesty. “I did look up what happened while you were sleeping.”

She sank onto the bed, any hint of fight deflated from her. “Then you know what happened.”

He nodded. “But, I want to know what you’ve done to think you deserve that.”

Brielle was silent for so long, the Doctor thought she would not answer at all. Finally, she spoke hardly above a whisper. “You gave me a gift that day… so many years ago. And I always promised myself that I would treat others like that. You didn’t know how horrible things had been for me, but it didn’t matter. You saved me. And I had so many chances to do that for others. You know, seeing someone struggling to cross the street or someone else begging for money.”

Tears had started to slide down her cheeks and he had to stop himself from interrupting. He wanted to tell her to stop crying, about how much he hated it when people did that. But before he got the chance, she took a shuddering breath to regain her composure by herself. “All those chances to help others and I just never did.”

Her voice became even softer. Even with his exceptional hearing, he had to struggle to hear her over the hum of the TARDIS. She sighed. “I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to do for someone else, what you had done for me.”

She went silent again and he could not respond. A part of him still debated whether or not he was a good man and she told him the ways in which she wanted to be like him. He was about to tell her that he was nothing to emulate when she spoke again. “I deserve all that’s happened because I failed to keep that promise to myself. I failed to pass on what I got from you.”

The Doctor just stared at her for a moment. He could tell Brielle that he was no role model, especially in this body. However, that was not what she needed to hear right now. He rubbed his hand over his face, he hated that he did not know how to comfort her. He stood and saw that she flinched as he did so. That gave him pause. He called the face he wore ‘furious’, but he could tell she didn’t flinch out of fear of him. It was a generalised fear. He took a breath and extended his hand to her, in a way he had back when they had first met. “Come with me.”

She stared at his hand for a minute before doing anything.   He twiddled his fingers in quiet invitation. She did not take it, but offered a simple nod and stood. The Doctor sighed lightly and led her to the door. “After reading what happened to you, I want to make sure you’re okay. Physically at least.”

She waited for him to move and tried to quell the panic that was rising within her. For the past six years, visits to the infirmary did not mean healing to her. She had never really had a sense that touch was supposed to be ‘good,’ but with everything she had experienced recently, all touch had become ‘bad’.

The Doctor led Brielle to the Medbay and gestured for her to sit on the exam table. She complied, but he could see her hesitancy. He reached out a hand to comfort her, saw her flinch, and then he understood. He spoke gently, “Brielle, I don’t have to touch you, if you don’t want me to, okay?” He saw her nod in understanding. “But I will need you to lie down.”

She took a breath and complied, but it was as if she was waiting for something bad to happen to her. He realised this would probably be easier for everyone if he told her what was about to happen at each step. “I’m just going to have the TARDIS scan you. You just need to be still and let her do the work, she won’t touch you either.”

Again, Brielle nodded and this time he could tell she relaxed a bit. He set the scan to run and twenty seconds later it was complete. He nodded encouragingly at her. “All right, it’s done. You can sit up now, if you want. It’ll take a bit for her to process the results. So, I need to ask you: Do you want me to tell you everything or would you rather not know?”

The Doctor waited for Brielle’s answer, although the decision he knew would not be an easy one, he was going to have her choose one way or another. This would be a first step to her healing, she needed to learn to make her own decisions and understand that he would respect them. She looked thoughtful. “Can I change my mind? If it gets to be too much or if I don’t want to know now, but want to know later?”

He tried not to roll his eyes. She was not being stupid, she was clarifying the terms he had offered to her. When he thought about it; that was actually pretty smart. “Of course you can. I want you to know: you’re safe here. If it’s in my power, I will never make you do anything you don’t want and if you change your mind about something I’ll honour that.”

He scoffed to himself. So many companions would be mad as hell if they heard him talking this way, since in their minds he never did that for them. Even if in his mind, he had. But so many had only known him in one incarnation or another, very few knew him across two – or even several regenerations. And Brielle had missed a regeneration in between. A part of that his spikey-haired self lingered behind and Brielle brought it out of him.

Brielle nodded taking in everything he said. “Then, can we wait? I’m… I’m not ready to know yet.”

He nodded; he heard the unspoken request that he was not supposed to look either. “As long as the TARDIS agrees that you’re not in any immediate danger, we can wait,” he replied.

He had a feeling that she knew more about her physical condition than she was letting on. The TARDIS, sensing the gravity of the situation displayed the information in English: “SHE IS IN NO IMMEDIATE DANGER.”

The Doctor took a calming breath and sent a mental word of thanks to the TARDIS. “Well that answers it then. What would you like to do now?”

Brielle was quiet in thought for a moment. “I think I’m hungry, may I have something to eat?”

Again a small smile passed his lips. “Of course you can! And you don’t have to ask. You’re a welcomed guest here and you can treat this as if it’s your house.”

She was not sure what to do with that information. It had been so long since she had been welcomed anywhere. Finally she spoke, “Can we eat in the kitchen again? I think I liked it there.”

He nodded. He did not extend his hand this time and that saddened Brielle. She sat there for a few moments. For as much as the Doctor hated waiting, this was one time he was willing to be patient. He saw her reach out her hand several times. She was so hesitant, but each time was a little farther than the last. Finally, he held his hand out to her and she slowly raised her hand to take his. He smiled warmly as he felt her hand in his for the first time since they had been reunited. He did not do the ‘touching thing’ as a general rule in this body. But, he also knew that Brielle needed the touch as a way to ground her in this reality. He could give her that much. Besides, the twenty-four years he had spent with River had calmed him a bit when it came to touch.

The Doctor did not pull Brielle but he did not make her walk instep with him either. He tried to make sure that he was not holding her hand too tightly, or invading her space. She was in a delicate place and the fact that she had reached out for his hand was a big enough step for one day. They walked to the kitchen in companionable silence. When they got there, he gestured that she should sit while he walked over to the refrigerator. He clapped his hands together once, but it was more of a thoughtful gesture. “So what will it be?”

She shrugged. “Whatever you have ready will be fine.”

He approached her slowly. “Brielle, you can have whatever you want. All you have to do is ask.”

That concept was too much for her to grasp. “Water and toast is fine.”

He knelt in front of her. “Look at me.”

She very slowly raised her eyes to meet his. It was only a moment and then she lowered them again. But the Doctor was slightly surprised that she had even made the attempt. He whispered, “That’s what you’re _used_ to… What do you _want_?”

A small self-conscious smile crossed her features and she whispered, “Fresh fruit. I haven’t had fresh fruit in so very long.”

The Doctor beamed at Brielle. “A woman after my own hearts. I’m not flirting, by the way!”

He started to scavenge around. “I have bananas, apples, grapes, and oranges. Might even have a pineapple or watermelon lying about. Oh! Coffee or tea?”

She smiled sheepishly. “You don’t have to go through all that work.”

He did not look at her. “It’s not trouble. I have to eat too, you know.”

“Tea, please.”

He nodded his head and started the hot water and then set to work digging out all the fresh fruit he could find and mixed them together into a simple fruit salad. He made a bowl for himself as well. The TARDIS was telling him that this might be too much for her stomach, so he sprinkled some nectar from the Codaury plant of the planet Cof. It would be enough to tame her stomach should this prove too much. He brought the bowls over and set one in front of her. He then finished making up the tea and returned a moment later with the two mugs. He smiled and sat down in the chair across from her.

The Doctor gestured to Brielle’s bowl. “You don’t have to wait for me, you know.”

She shrugged and answered blankly. “Force of habit.”

However, she did not explain what that habit was or why she had it. This left the Doctor’s wild imagination to come up with reasons. The problem was, his imagination had a bit of real-life experience to base itself on. He did not know if it would help her at all if he talked about it. But since he was not about to take on a companion, he was not sure it mattered if he did tell her. He watched her as she eagerly ate her fruit, while he picked at his own. Finally, he took a breath, his decision made. “I have a pretty good idea what you’re going through.”

She stopped in mid-chew and met his eyes. She gave him a stern, ’you-couldn’t-possibly’ glare. He had expected that. It was not like this was a part of his life he talked about with others. He did not even mention the effects with others very often. For him, it was more of a choice about which story to offer her. He nodded his head, decision made. “I do. Oh, not the same situation, at all. But the feelings that go with it? Pretty much the same.”

Brielle’s features softened into mild confusion. During the two months before she was arrested and the next seven waiting for trial, she had longed to have someone say these exact words to her. Then, the trial had gone horribly and she found herself in the Women’s Facility. Her curiosity got the better of her. “Go on, then, I’ll listen to what you have to say.”

The Doctor knew she was sincere because he watched as the malice and anger drained from her features. He nodded. “I was what you would call a Prisoner of War.”

Her brow furrowed as she tried to understand. “But you’re an alien and from the future… I thought wars and fighting were a human thing.”

A small, sad smile crossed his lips. “Who said I’m from the future?”

She smirked and gestured around them. He replied smugly, “As you pointed out, I’m _alien_. All of this doesn’t mean I’m from the future.” He shook his head. That really did not matter right now. “As to wars, the universe would be a better place if it were _just_ humans.” He paused then gestured. “Keep eating, if you’re hungry. I know you’ll be listening.”

She nodded and continued to pick at her meal. Somehow he figured this would be easier to tell if she were distracted by something and did not have her full focus on him. He had never talked about this with any of his companions. Not even Donna… His breath hitched as he thought of her. Out of all of them, she would have been the one he would have told, if she had asked.

The Doctor sighed heavily and was about to begin his tale, he was still partly debating telling her of his time in the Confession Dial, when Brielle interrupted him. “You don’t have to, you know… I mean tell me anything, just to make me feel better.”

There was a pregnant pause as he considered how to answer her. That statement solidified for him that the story from the Time War would be better just now. “What if… sharing this with you would make _me_ feel better?”

He watched as her face flushed with a hint of self-consciousness. After a moment, she nodded to encourage him to continue. He took a deep breath. “There was a war: The Last Great Time War. It was between my people, The Time Lords, and the Daleks. The Daleks are a mutated race whose only purpose is to kill anyone and anything not like them. Anyway, they have been long-time enemies of the Time Lords. This last Time War – everything hung in the balance. The whole of creation was at stake of vanishing, at best… At worse, the Daleks would slaughter everyone and everything. The only thing that stood in their way was the Time Lords. But, those weren’t the only two species in the battle. As the war dragged on, other species were pulled into either side and some…. Some were simply innocent bystanders, wanting nothing to do with the War, but still caught in the middle of it.”

The Doctor got up, refreshed his tea, then Brielle’s, and sat down again. After he sipped some of his tea, he continued. “We had a major stronghold at Arcadia. We lost it. It fell. I was there. It was….” He broke off with a shudder and blew air quickly between his lips.

She whispered as she stared into her mug. “Horrendous.”

He nodded his head and remained quiet for a few moments. She assumed it was out of respect for whatever had happened there. He took a breath and continued. “I was captured there….”

She could not help the gasp that escaped her lips. The Doctor continued as if she had done nothing. “And the TARDIS.”

He leaned over to offer a gentle stroke against the nearest wall. He took a laboured breath and met Brielle’s eyes. “Unlike you… I was guilty… Sort of... It was war and I was a leader of sorts.”

Brielle tried to disagree with the comparison. The Doctor simply held up his hand to stop her. “I was the enemy and that made me guilty in their eyes. I had to kill and that made me guilty in my own.”

Brielle was shocked at his admission and as she listened, a tear slid down her cheek. After a few moments of silence, she got up, walked over to the Doctor and embraced him. He tensed slightly – he really hadn’t let anyone other than River hug him recently. This was new and different. But she pushed past that defence of his. She whispered, “No one should have to go through that….”

He hesitantly returned the unexpected embrace. She did not elaborate what ‘that’ meant. Having read the information, he was sure she was talking about the self-blame and self-accusations.   After a pause, he spoke. “You’re right. No one should. Not even you.”

At that, she tried to pull out of his embrace. It was his turn to hold her tighter. There was not a struggle per se, it was more of a resistance. So he repeated himself at a whisper. “Not. Even. You.”

He had told Bonnie the Zygon that he held tight to all his pain and swore that no one else would have to go through it or live like that. He was so used to telling that to others, yet here was someone who had been through her own hell and understood such things instinctively. And more than that, she was offering the same thing to him. Under it all, they were very similar indeed. Maybe that’s why the TARDIS had brought them together again.

She struggled against his embrace for another moment, but he could not let her go. He needed her touch as much as he needed to give it. She started to cry and after a few moments, she let him change their positions. She was now more or less in his lap, almost cradled like a child. He held on to her and slowly realised there was a great deal he could learn from her. He allowed himself to weep a few tears as well.

He could hear Amy berating him. It was not that he did not care. It was that caring got him too involved – that he cared too much. Humans as a species would never be able to understand the breadth of emotions that others possessed. But as individuals – well maybe a few could. Perhaps it was Brielle’s own vulnerability that allowed him to weep. He could tell she was as hesitant about touch as he was.

They remained like that for some minutes. When each was finally in control of themselves, Brielle returned to her seat and finished her breakfast. The Doctor decided that once they cleared up, he would take her on a tour of the TARDIS.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Memories/dreams of violence. Suicide attempt.

The next several hours, the Doctor spent taking Brielle on a guided tour of the places within the TARDIS she would use most often. He informed her that the TARDIS would take care of her basic needs and that she was free to do what she wanted. She did not say much during the tour and he figured that she was just getting adjusted to having a sense of freedom again. He saved the library for last, mostly because it had always been his personal favourite. Sure he had bookshelves surrounding the console room now, but nothing could replace the library.

He could not help the grin as he watched her look about it. It was as if she smiled for the first time. She turned to face him. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. He hoped she did not start to cry. He really had enough of emotions for one day and he was not sure how he would react to it if she did. He was no longer kind or gentle – as a general rule – and he did not like that she was making him feel things. She shrugged. “It wasn’t a dream.”

He cocked his head to the side, studying her. She continued. “All those years ago. I thought it might have been a dream, but everything looks just the same.”

He smiled warmly. He had not brought her in here last time and wondered how she could say that. She must have seen his expression, because she spoke again, “I… Always imagined that I would come back here, to this magical blue box. And even the rooms I hadn’t seen before are really close to how I imagined them.”

The Doctor then understood. “Well, that’s an impressive imagination you have, if it can envision all of this.”

Brielle shrugged off the compliment and spoke reflectively as she ran her fingers over the spines of several books. “Well I’ve had a lot of time to think… especially recently.”

He smirked. She had a wry sarcasm that matched his own. That might be a good thing.

Her fingers stopped as they came to rest on the spine of a book. The colour and texture of the book was different from the rest. She used her fingers to slide it out and chuckled wetly when she read the cover. The Doctor grew concerned over her reaction and stepped closer. “Are you all right?”

She shrugged. “It’s a book that I loved when I was a child. This is the last place I expected to find it.”

He smiled. “Oh, that’s the TARDIS. Sometimes she can shift whole rooms about to make them easier – or harder – to find. She can do the same with books in here.”

Brielle giggled a bit more strongly. He was nearly offended, but then she explained. “That’s not what I meant. I mean you’re an alien, why would you have it?”

He smiled easily again as he looked over her shoulder at the title of the book. “DuBose wrote that one among many others. George Gershwin wrote _Porgy and Bess_ based on one of his novels. This story, _The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes_ is the only children’s story he ever got published, so that makes it unique.”

The Doctor shrugged and it was Brielle’s turn to smile. “So are all these books so _unique_?”

He nodded. “Well, I like to think so. A lot of them are either first or last editions, some of them original or only copies.”

She nodded. “Time travel, right? What about this one? I mean the fact that it’s the only children’s story he ever got published can’t be the only reason why you have it.”

He reached out his hand to her, he was going to guide her to one of the couches, but she flinched. He realized what he had done and retracted his hand. “Sorry, I was just going to say, I can tell you the story, but maybe we could sit on the sofa?”

She held the book to her chest and nodded as she followed him. He did not sit down, but went over to an enclave, prepared two cups of tea and then brought them with him as he sat down next to her. He offered her one and took a sip of his own.

The Doctor began, “This book is loosely based on a true story and published the year before he died. I had always wanted to meet DuBose Heyward. He just seemed fascinating to me.”

Brielle smiled. “A white man, presenting blacks in a positive light while he was living in the South?”

He flashed her a smile. “Exactly!”

She nodded. “That’s you. That’s you all over.”

His smile turned into a frown. “What is that supposed to mean?”

She shrugged and stared into her mug. “Well, for a while after we met, I got into aliens and space travel and all. I did some research on you. Seems that every time the Earth is in danger, you’re there to save it. Which is hard for me to imagine, since we must mean so little in the grand scheme of things."

The Doctor frowned at that. “Oh, Brielle, if you’ve done that much study of me, you must know how important you pudding brains are to me.”

She raised an eyebrow at the phrase ‘pudding brains’, but deflected in reply. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. Go on.”

He watched her for a moment in silence. Now was not the time to press her. He took a sip of his tea. He continued, “So in my travels, I’ve seen all kinds of things. But one of the most amazing was when I visited the planet Espene, residence to the Flux Tritons, who look surprisingly like human-rabbits. I was there to see the Festival of the Temporal Star. But, things never seem to work quite right for me. You see there was a tradition in that town that everyone gathers as part of this festival. While everyone is gathered, three individuals are selected to go to all the homes and leave gifts for the children of the village. There was one woman, Luella. Oh, she had a heart of gold, that one. She was a singleton and took in all the unwanted children of the town. But for some reason, the village never included those children in the gift distribution. Luella did all she could every year to include them, including… auditioning to be one of the ‘Temporal Visitors.’ She knew if she could be one of the Visitors, she could give gifts to the children under her care. Every year she was rejected, because she had so many children to look after they didn’t think she could do more than just care for them.”

He paused as he heard Brielle gasp and allowed her to speak. “So they wouldn’t include the kids, but then wouldn’t let her be involved either? That’s just not right!”

The Doctor nodded. “No, I didn’t think so either. Well, as it happened, at this particular festival, she told me her story. Like you, I was quite upset, so when it happened that one of the three ‘Temporal Visitors’ became wounded; I brought Luella with me and petitioned that she be allowed to serve. They didn’t want to let her, so I said to them, ‘What if I could make her the fastest of all of them?’ That intrigued them and they agreed that if she made all the deliveries the fastest, they would allow for gifts for the orphaned children from that year on.”

A wry grin appeared on Brielle’s features. “You Sonic-ed a pair of shoes for her… like when you cleaned my trumpet!”

He offered a lopsided grin. “You remember that all these years later?”

Her grin fell slightly but more in reflection than in sorrow. “Hard to forget something like that.”

He nodded. “I did sonic them. And she did finish first and the kids got gifts that year.”

Brielle smiled at that and the Doctor continued. “Luella was so grateful that she invited me back to watch the kids open their gifts. And I asked her what she was going to do next. She replied that she was going to hang the shoes in a prominent spot as a reminder to all who came into her house not to judge anyone there. And she hoped she would never again have to use them.”

Brielle’s face was slightly shocked. “So, she just did it once?”

The Doctor replied, “Well I don’t actually know, but that was her plan. She got gifts for the kids which was the only reason why she did it.”

She asked, “Okay, so that’s the back-story… how does Heyward fit in?”

He nodded in approval of her question. “Would you believe I met him, got drunk one night and told him the whole tale?”

She shook her head and chuckled softly. “No.”

He smirked. “Didn’t think so.” He sighed. “I did meet him, brilliant man! And we were talking about various stories of his but one night, as we tucked his kids into bed, I told the story to them. Apparently, they remembered it and told it to him and he spun it into the story as you read it now.”

She nodded in reply. “I don’t know which story I like better.”

He smiled, gently took her hand, and gave it a small squeeze. “That’s the beauty of fiction and reality: You can choose to like both.”

She sniffled at that and nodded her head. “Thank you for sharing the story.” Then she yawned hugely. “Sorry.”

The Doctor smiled.  “It’s all right. Been a long day for you.”

Brielle nodded. “Yeah I guess.” She paused. “I just slept, though. I don’t want to waste all my time here sleeping.”

He nodded in understanding. “I usually try to sleep as little as possible myself. But sometimes sleep is the only way to heal. How about if I read this story to you and even if you don’t sleep, you can still rest a bit.”

She got herself comfortable in the corner of the couch and nodded. “Okay, that sounds good.”

He began to weave the story. After a few pages, he noticed she was nodding off, so he gently helped her to lie down and use his lap for a pillow. She seemed to startle a bit, but he soothingly ran his fingers through her hair, like he used to do with Susan and continued with a few more pages of the story. Once he was certain she was asleep, he grabbed the blanket off the back of the sofa and covered her with it. She groaned softly in her sleep and he returned to stroking her hair again until she quieted. He was quite amazed that she seemed to feel safe near him so quickly. He sighed at himself; he was not going to take on another companion. He felt like he was the wrong man to have any companions since he was still grieving the final loss of River. The time just wasn’t right.

Brielle slept calmly for twenty-three minutes, before the throws of her nightmares overtook her. The Doctor realised what was happening and stopped touching her immediately. His hearts broke a little as he watched her. He wished there was something he could do, even though he knew from his own experiences there was nothing more he could do. At that point, all he could do was wait.

Still wrapped up in her nightmare, Brielle rolled herself off the sofa and away from him. Her speed startled him, but he was more concerned that the fall had not hurt. She landed in the space between the couch and the coffee table. The Doctor froze and just observed her. Her eyes remained closed, but she was pale, and a sheen of sweat had broken across her face. When she finally spoke, her voice was just a whisper. “Y-you don’t have to hurt me! I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t hurt me!”

The Doctor could only imagine the specific details of her dream. She jerked suddenly as if being hit or kicked from behind, but she barely released a grunt of pain. She jerked again and this time moved in such away that she would not hurt herself on any furniture.

The Doctor sighed with relief, but allowed Brielle’s dream to continue. She went ridged again and then whimpered. Her body jerked several more times before she went very still. The only sign of life was her nearly imperceptible breathing. After a few moments, she began to cry. The Doctor slid off the couch and sat next to her. He cooed softly. “Oh, Brielle, what did they do to you? Come here.” He lifted her up, leaned her head against his shoulder, and gently wrapped his arms around her. She cried, but never quite woke up. Finally, she went quiet again and he just held her as she slept. After he was certain she was sleeping somewhat peacefully, he laid her down again and covered her with the throw. He was afraid to move her more and wake her up. He knew from experience that the carpet was plush enough for sleeping. He then went to the kitchen to get tea started.

Brielle woke herself with a start. It took a few minutes to realize where she was. She was in the Library and in the TARDIS. She did not see the Doctor anywhere, but she knew she was safe. She did not remember falling asleep on the ground, but she had been covered over, so maybe she had. She got up, folded the blanket, and draped it over the back of the couch. Then she figured she should find the Doctor. She started walking in the direction she thought she had come from earlier. She continued down the hall and came upon the Medical Bay. She looked up and down the hall, making sure the Doctor did not see her. This was something she decided she needed to do on her own; especially since she was not sure if he would accept her if he knew the truth. She entered the room and quietly closed the door behind her. Then, she slowly approached the screen that she knew would display the results from the tests that had been run. A part of her hoped they would be displayed in English or at least in pictures.

Brielle pressed a button on the display that she thought would display the results. She took a deep breath and waited for the information to be displayed. The screen flickered to life and the information she sought was displayed before her. It was so much worse then she had imagined, but she forced herself to read all the information, even through the haze of tears that were diminishing her view. She had spent so much time in the medical wing that she had studied and worked her way to being a Physician’s Assistant. She understood all the information that was displayed there, even though it was only displayed in medical terms. As the screen again faded to black, she started to hyperventilate. She tried to make it to the bed, but missed and ended up in a heap on the floor. Her head had made contact with the floor, not that she noticed. She simply started to wail, mourning the greater losses that she was just now finding out about. The doctors at the penitentiary had made sure she never saw her medical records, so this shock was much greater than she had expected.

After a few minutes, Brielle decided to take control of the situation. She approached one of the cupboards and looked at all the supplies that were available to her. She noticed the hypo-sprays, but decided that would be ‘too quick.’ She continued her search and finally came across a scalpel.

The TARDIS was greatly concerned by the reaction the human had and tried to call to Brielle as she reached for the blade.

Brielle did not hear anything she only had one wish: for all of this to end. She had no past, no future, and nothing for which to live. She had longed for death for so long, but until she was here, she always thought she only longed for freedom. Now, she knew the truth, she wanted death. Everlasting sleep. Peaceful or not, it had to be better than this life. She slowly raised the blade to her neck.

The TARDIS panicked and she used their telepathic link and called to her pilot. “ _Doctor, Brielle, is in danger. She is in the Medical Bay_.”

The terror he sensed in her tone was enough to have him move quickly, he abandoned the cooking and rushed to the Medical Bay, which the TARDIS had thankfully moved next to the kitchen.

At first, the Doctor did not see Brielle anywhere and the room was quiet… too quiet. He started searching throughout the room and then spotted her on the ground. He slowly came to her side and spoke just loud enough to let her know he was there. “Brielle? Brielle, what’s happened?”

He rested a hand on her shoulder and that is when he saw the blood on her neck from where she had tried to slice to the artery. Her hands covered her head, her entire body shook, and her voice was just a whisper as she repeated, “Failed!” over and over again.

He sighed, feeling completely out of his element. He needed to stop the bleeding and because of her position, he could not be sure that she had not caught the artery. He reached into a drawer and grabbed a large flannel. He pressed it to her neck and she tried to squirm out of his grip. He was having none of that. “Brielle, let me help you."

Reminiscent of the time he found her in the icy creek, she let out one word “Please.”

But, he knew that if she could finish her thought it would be: “Please let me die,” or something similar. He choked back the tears that were invading his eyes and throat. He knew he could not move Brielle without releasing the pressure and he did not want to chance that, in case she had nicked the artery. It was at that point that he heard a terrifying gurgle. He knew that sound meant that she would soon die if he did not do something. He gently lifted her into his arms and rushed her over to the exam-table. He spoke quietly, “Brielle, I know you want to go, but just hold on, okay?”

For as much as he would always argue that he was not ‘that kind of doctor,’ he did have the necessary knowledge and equipment to save her life. The TARDIS was good, but most of the supplies were out of his reach. He had no choice but to leave her. Knowing that she had a death wish, he raised the guardrails on each side of the trolley, and then rushed about getting all the supplies he would need. He returned quickly when he had everything. He spoke quickly, “I can’t give you anything for the pain. I’m sorry. As much as you want death, I’m the Doctor, and I save people!”


	4. Chapter 4

Three hours, twenty-two minutes and fifty-six seconds later (approximately), Brielle slowly regained consciousness. She groaned softly. The Doctor got up and came to stand near her. He tenderly brushed some loose strands of hair away from her face. At first, she did not seem to mind, but then her eyes grew large with awareness and she tried to scoot away from him. He spoke quietly. “No, no, no. You’ll fall. It’s all right, I’ll move if you’re uncomfortable.” When that did not seem to calm her, he frowned. He took a deep breath. “I’m not leaving you, and I won’t let you go through this alone.”

Her eyes were still wide with fear. “B-but what I did…”

Her hand found its way to her neck. Her fear shifted to shock, she did not find gauze or anything to protect the wound. In fact, there did not seem to be a wound. At that thought, her shock shifted to confusion. The Doctor remained quiet, simply observing her, as the emotions and thoughts played across her features. When she said nothing, he finally spoke again. “You didn’t imagine it.”

He swallowed at the lump in his throat. He could not tell her how much it hurt him that she tried to kill herself.

Brielle’s eyes filled with tears, but the Doctor could tell that it was only because she thought she had failed. Still, she did not let them fall. There was still terror behind her sadness. She could not look at him anymore. He had taken such good care of her and shown such concern, and then she repaid him by trying to kill herself here on his ship. On top of all that, she had failed. She very obviously was not dead yet. She could not face him, but she knew he would not leave her alone, so she rolled onto her side and faced away from him. It was as she turned that she noticed the tube running into her arm. It was an odd colour and she followed the tubing with her eyes to where two bags hung above her head. One looked like blood, but she could not identify the other. There was a tube out of each that then merged into the one stuck in her arm. He watched her and explained, “It’s part blood and part nutrients. You lost a bit of blood and you haven’t eaten properly in so long…” his voice tapered off as he watched her.

The Doctor had taped the tube to Brielle’s arm and she started to pick at the tape. He rested his hand on top of hers. A shiver went up her spine. She had never before noticed how cold his hands were, but now she did. She stared at him for a few moments and he gave his head a slight shake ‘no’. When he did not release her, she quipped, “Bit primitive, isn’t it?”

When she noticed his confused expression, she jiggled the tube. The Doctor shrugged. “You’re human, the human body can only take in blood at a certain rate. It was the only thing I had that could control the rate of intake.”

She wanted to tell him to go away, but there was something calming about his presence, so she did not ask that of him. She rolled back away from him, though. She tried not to pick at the tape holding the tube in her arm, but she could not help herself. The Doctor noticed and again rested his hand on hers. She was still a danger to herself, so he could not leave her like this, but he needed more time to think. He reached over to a table and grabbed a syringe that he used to inject medicine into the tube. She slowly fell back asleep under the effects of the medicine.

Once the Doctor was certain Brielle was asleep, he went to a drawer and pulled out some soft medical restraints. He hated himself for doing this to her, but he had to make sure she gave herself a chance to fully heal. He shook his head. He could not let himself care. This was the best thing for her and he always did what was best.

He did her ankles first and then her wrists. She was never going to forgive him for this. He gently stroked her hair, as he reminded himself that he was not going to get attached this time. He shrugged and gave her another gentle stroke with his thumb anyway. Even if he was not going to get attached, she deserved some kindness after all she had gone through. He decided he needed to check in her dreams.

The TARDIS could tell what he was thinking and gave a slight whinge in protest. The Doctor looked up at the ceiling. “Don’t start. I’m just going to hold the nightmares at bay.”

The TARDIS acquiesced and let him continue with his plan.

He rested his fingers on her temples and entered her mind and tried to not give in to the temptation to look beyond the dreams. For all she had been through, her mind was surprisingly organised. No. That was not the right word. Compartmentalised would be more apt. He pushed a little further into her unconscious and created a temporary barrier. It would allow good thoughts and dreams to filter through while holding the bad ones back. He was glad he had not forced her to sleep; he could not imagine what scrambling her mind would have done to her.

When he was done, he debated taking the restraints off. He decided to leave them on – it was for the best. He then exited the room, but he turned to take one last look at her before he left. He sighed and made his way to the Console Room. He was starting to wonder if being in the Vortex so long was having some effect on Brielle and so he decided to take her somewhere planet-side. Maybe she might forgive and forget what he had just done to her if she saw the view.

The Doctor slowly made his way to the Console Room. Brielle would sleep for about an hour, so he had plenty of time. He first chose a place to take her.   He decided middle of summer and Glacier National Park in the USA would suffice. He did not want anything that would be too out of the ordinary for her and he did not want her to feel overwhelmed by people. Besides, it had been a long time since he had been there. And he could even take her back in time a bit; allow her to be the first modern human to see the location! Oh, that would be brilliant! He set the coordinates, landed, and then went down to check on her. He sighed with relief when he realized that she was still asleep. He removed the restraints and felt horrible for using them at all. Obviously, he had not needed them. Now, all he could do was wait. As he sat down beside her, he heard Donna’s voice echo in his mind.  “ _Sometimes, I think you need someone to stop you._ ”

It was partly the memory of Donna that had given him this face. She always reminded him that he didn’t have to save everyone – just saving _someone_ was enough.

The Doctor sighed a bit louder than he had intended to and Brielle stirred slightly in her sleep. He noted that the blood and fluid infusion was complete, so he took the bags down and got ready to remove the needle from her arm. Even though he was gentle, she still flinched. He got a pressure plaster and put it over the wound. It would allow it to heal faster and stop the bleeding quicker. Then he sat on the bed. He hated his hands being idle, so he started gently running his fingers through her hair. There was just something about her; he could not place it. Perhaps it was that she had obviously suffered a great deal. Perhaps, it was because she seemed to have lost nearly everything that he had. This time, he did not have the urge to rush her out of the TARDIS as soon as she was better. He wondered if maybe she could help him. It was obvious by the fact that she had vanished, either she was given a new identity, or taken from Earth. Who was to say that he had not provided that opportunity for her?

Brielle stirred as she started to return to consciousness. The Doctor moved onto the nearby chair, he did not want to scare her, remembering what happened last time. He watched her intently. She sighed and stretched as she gained more awareness of her surroundings. Then she slowly opened her eyes. She looked around for a minute then her eyes rested on the Doctor. The intensity and sadness in his eyes reached to her very soul. Her eyes welled with tears. “I’m sorry. You must think me so ungrateful.”

At that, he got up and moved over to the bed. He rested his hand over one of hers. “No, I think you’ve been through a lot and you don’t know how to handle it. Let me help you.”

Her eyes still filled with unshed tears and she shook her head and replied. “I don’t deserve it.”

He sighed and sat down next to her. “Oh, Brielle, I am so sorry. But this is exactly what you deserve.”

He meant that she deserved the chance at healing and to start over. When he had uttered those words to Clara, he had meant that the two of them were in equal parts good and bad for each other. Not that he could remember it. But, based on what he had pieced together, that had led to the necessity for his memory to be erased. He hoped things with Brielle would go very differently indeed.

Brielle swiped at the tears and noticed that the tubes were gone; she looked at him with the question upon her features. He replied, “The infusion was complete. Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll get something for you to eat. I’ve landed somewhere, so we can go outside for a bit of fresh air.”

Brielle nodded and started to sit up. She went slow, but was pleased that she did not seem to have any vertigo. She made her way into the bathroom. Once the Doctor was certain she was going to be okay, he went to get some food together for her.   He gathered some fruit and a high nutrient drink for her since he was still worried about her stomach sensitivities.

When Brielle came out of the shower, the TARDIS had provided a pullover, jeans, shoes, and socks. She then exited the bathroom to the medbay, but the Doctor was no longer in the room. She made her way to the kitchen. He turned around to set the table and he saw her standing in the door. He approved of her outfit. The TARDIS could be very helpful when she wanted to be. She looked almost like a woman on holiday. He smiled and gestured to the table. She sat down and then rested her bag on the table. “Thank you.”

He nodded and took his own seat. His eyes drifted to her bag and then back to his plate. It suddenly dawned on him that her bag was a great deal like his TARDIS: it contained all that she had left in the universe. He worked up the courage to mention it. “I see that you carry that bag everywhere you go. It must be very important to you.”

At the mention of it, her hand found the bag and covered it protectively. She mumbled, “It’s all I have left.”

He nodded then gestured around them. “I understand. The TARDIS is all I have left.”

She met his eyes and her hand slowly moved away from the bag.

The Doctor smiled at Brielle, this was the first hint of trust she had expressed since she had taken his hand that first time. He took a few more bites before speaking. “I’ve decided we needed a bit of fresh air. But, I would hate for you to loose your bag, so I think it’d be best if you left it on board in your room.”

Her hand slowly crept back towards the bag and then she nodded her head, letting her hand again slide away from the bag. His smile broadened, glad that she seemed to trust him. “When you’re done, why don’t you put your bag away and I’ll clean up?”

She nodded again and since her plate was empty, she finished off her tea. “Thanks again.”

He nodded in reply and she left the room. She had not spoken that much, but he did not know if that was because of all that had happened or if it was because she had reverted back to her prisoner mentality. He hoped the change in scenery would help. Once he had everything cleaned up, he made his way to the control room to wait for her.


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor was pacing with nervous energy around the control console as he waited for Brielle. He had to offer her some autonomy and so did not go looking for her, even though he thought she should have been there by now. He figured the TARDIS would inform him if anything went wrong. She had the last time, after all. “This is ridiculous! I shouldn’t care so much!”

He stared at the console for a long time. The only communication the TARDIS offered was the quiet thrumming that filled the room constantly. That only served to annoy him more.

To calm himself, he started to analyse the situation logically. Or, at least with as much logic as he applied to anything. “Question: If one exhibits signs of caring, but doesn’t want to care, what would cause such a dichotomy? Conjecture: Running and Hiding. Corollary: I’ve been running ever since I left Gallifrey.”

He frowned at himself. This was taking him in a direction he had no desire to go. “Question: did I leave Gallifrey because I cared? Answer: Only in so much as Susan’s and my lives were under threat. Corollary: I returned to Gallifrey the times I did because I cared about something or someone. Even that last time had been to save Clara.”

He paused in his pacing. “Question: Do I run and hide because I care too much?” He paused in thought. “Answer: Probably.”

He again looked up at the Time Rotor. “Fine! So I lie about whether or not I care, it’s not new. ‘Rule One: The Doctor Lies!’"

He huffed and took a couple of moments to calm down. “This really isn’t the kind of help I usually offer. I don’t stay for the fall-out. This is terribly close to ‘cleaning up.’ It wasn’t my mess!”

That was about the time he heard Brielle enter the Console Room. She wore a mask of blank indifference, but the Doctor could tell she had heard the last bit of his self-argument. Well, if she was not going to address it, he would not either. He gestured to the doors. She gave him a confused look. “Where are we?”

If she were honest based on what had happened last time, she fully expected to be dumped back at the Women’s Facility. It was the closest thing she had to a home now. The Doctor did not respond verbally, but only gestured to the doors again. She nodded and made her way towards them. She slowly opened the doors and looked out.

The sight that greeted her was unexpected to say the least. They were on top of a mountain. Nothing but nature as far as the eye could see. No signs of human life. She could not help but gasp. The Doctor came up behind her and draped a coat about her shoulders. Brielle had not even noticed she had been shivering. The Doctor stepped around her to take a proper look himself. “I thought you might have a better appreciation for ‘the great outdoors’ than most.”

Brielle could only nod. After a long moment, she finally spoke. “Where are we?”

“Glacier National Park,” he paused, “Well, not yet.”

She gave him a confused look. He grinned at that. He loved this part, always had. “The year is 1822. It will be another eighty-eight years before this is officially a park and it’s just sixteen years after the Lewis and Clark Expedition came this way.”

She glanced around again and gave a nod of her head. “You said you had a time machine, but…”

“You didn’t quite understand what that meant?”

She shrugged slightly embarrassed. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t dreamed of the possibility. But the reality….” She turned to face him. “Wait. How do I know what date it is? We’re on top of a mountain. This could still be my present day.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes and dug through one of his pockets. It took a few moments, he had started to carry quite a lot of different things since travelling with an archaeologist, finally pulled out a set of binoculars, and handed them to her. “Take a look. See if anything looks remotely modern.”

It took her a minute to figure out how to work the binoculars. It was one thing to be surrounded by technology; it was another matter entirely to have to use it. Once she figured them out well enough, she spent about ten minutes looking for any signs of roads or concrete or even a train. There was nothing man-made that she could see. She had studied history and knew that the Native Americans had lived spread out across the entire country, so she presumed they would be here as well. But, compared to what would happen later, this land was untouched.

A small smile crept across her features as she handed the device back to the Doctor. “This is,” she paused trying to think of the right word, “Beautiful,” she finished lamely.

The Doctor quirked his eyebrows. “You sound disappointed.”

“In my word-choice. I’m sure there are better words to describe this.”

The Doctor nodded. “The words will come in time. Took me a couple of centuries before I could adequately put into words what I saw and experienced.”

“Go on, then. Tell me.”

The Doctor shook his head. “You need to learn the words for yourself. If I tell you now, you’ll only try to make them fit you.”

She could nod disagree with that. He was right. Her words just felt so limited in the face of what was before her. She closed her eyes and turned her face to the sun. It felt so good. There was nothing for miles: just the sunlight, the land, and the pair of them. She slowly sank to a squatted position. She did not even notice the snow. She was too filled with something she had not experienced in a long time. She breathed the word more than speaking it. “Freedom.”

The Doctor nodded. “That’s a good word for it. Shall we?”

He offered her his arm and she stood and took it with a small smile. They walked around the mountaintop, since neither was dressed for actual hiking. The Doctor pointed out different features and structures. Occasionally, Brielle would explain what she knew about how they were formed. The third time it happened, the Doctor raised an eyebrow at her asking how she knew so much. She shrugged. “There’s not a lot to do in prison. I read – a lot. Probably more than I did when I was actually in school and with a lot more variety. It’s more fun when I don’t have to worry about the stress of tests.”

The Doctor chuckled softly at that. “I couldn’t agree more. It’s one of the reasons why I love to travel. Just the opportunity to learn.”

She nodded and gathered the coat more closely around her as she slowly sat down. “Thank you. You can go off and do whatever it was I interrupted. Just leave me here, I’ll be fine.”

The Doctor frowned and crouched down. “Why would I do that? You’ll freeze or starve to death.”

Brielle nodded once. “But I’ll die feeling this way. Happier than I’ve any right to feel and better than I’ve ever felt.”

The Doctor tilted his head and considered her for a moment. “Why do you want to die?”

She grimaced before she answered. “It’s not that I want to die. I just… don’t have anything to live for. No one will hire a convicted paedophile. It doesn’t matter than I’m now declared innocent. People will always presume that I did something… Everyone I knew abandoned me, except my attorney.” She sniffed softly. “And I looked at the results of the scan you ran. I can’t have children because of what they did to me… As humans go, you don’t get more useless than me.”

The Doctor rocked forward onto his knees and did something that was entirely rare in this current body. He wrapped her in a hug. She tensed immediately, but she did not actively try to fight him off. It took a few moments for both of them to relax and he could not speak until that happened. “You know what you have in heaps beyond all the other pudding brains on this planet?”

There was a wet giggle at the phrase ‘pudding brains’, but she shook her head. The Doctor did not release the hug. But he rested his cheek lightly on top of her head and spoke softly. “You make an effort.”

He could feel her physically tense as he paid the compliment. Obviously, she did not believe him. “I mean it. You could have just given up when you were in that place, but instead, you used the time to learn what you could. Even after what you did earlier... Technology can only do so much. You had to want to live, at least a bit. Even now, you don’t want to die because things are too hard…”

She shook her head vehemently. “I understand, Doctor, you want to save me. It’s in your nature. Hell, it’s in your name. But one sad, pathetic human isn’t worth the fight you’re putting into this.”

“I have met many sad and pathetic humans in my life. But, Brielle, you’re far from it. Want to know one of the reasons why I come back to Earth time and again? Why more than any other creature, I choose to travel with humans? It’s because you lot make sense out of chaos. You, Brielle, have experienced more chaos than most. And here you are, doing the best you can to make sense of it. Even if to you ‘sense’ means to take yourself out of the picture.” He gestured around them. “All of this is beautiful, but only if there’s someone to witness it.”

The Doctor released Brielle and slowly stood up. He extended a hand to her. “Come on. I’ve got something else to show you.”

She took his hand and slowly stood. He led them into the TARDIS. He approached the console and started to display information on the monitor. “Like I said before, I researched you when you were sleeping. I pulled up all the information I could about your past… and your future. I don’t often do that, because seeing the future can be a funny thing. Don’t want to look too far, like see your own death. Because once you’ve seen _that_ , it becomes a fixed point.”

Brielle frowned. “Doctor, why are you telling me this?”

He displayed the information on the monitor and then turned it to face her. “Because, after your release from prison, you disappear off the face of the Earth. Literally. There are no records of you anywhere. I even broadened the search to ‘universal’. From the moment you were released, you… ceased to exist.”

Her frown deepened. “That doesn’t make any sense. I clearly exist. Look at me.”

He offered a small smirk. “I didn’t say I found a record of your death. But there are no records of you. Anywhere. I even used facial recognition software, to see if I could get anything to come up.” He shook his head to indicate he had found nothing.

Brielle slowly backed away, until the stairs stopped her. She slumped into a sitting position and just stared for a few moments. Finally, she pulled herself together enough to utter a question. “So, what does that mean?”

The Doctor approached her slowly. He did not want her to feel cornered. He squatted in front of her. “I think it means you have the chance to properly start over.”

She huffed. “How does someone ‘start over’ from this? It’s not like I can just pretend it didn’t happen. This destroyed me in ways I probably don’t even understand yet.”

The Doctor nodded and spoke kindly. “Probably has. In one sense, it’s been billions of years since the war I told you about. It still affects me and I’m on my fourth body since then…”

She scowled at that, she had heard the ‘billions’ comment, but assumed he was being figurative. “Then what am I to do? You can’t get it figured out in four lifetimes and I’ve just got one.”

The Doctor pondered. “Well, I might have an idea or two about that. There’s a person that I know… well not a person, a cat. She knows a thing or two about forgiveness and being offered a second chance. She won’t recognise me like this, but I bet she could find a place for you… What do you say? Interested in a new planet?”

Brielle shrugged. “Why not? It’s not like I have anything here.”

The Doctor cocked an eyebrow. “Really? I just offered you a new planet and you react like that? Most people jump excitedly at the prospect.”

She tilted her head. “After that war of yours ended, what did you do?”

He shrugged, that was not a question he had expected. “Just drifted a bit. Hung around the TARDIS. I hadn’t expected to survive the war… I was alive, but so many others had died…” He shuddered and then realised what she was saying. “Right. I get it. You need more time to become excited.”

She nodded once to acknowledge his statement.

The Doctor stood and moved over to the console. “In that case, I think I have just the place we should go. I’ve never been to this event myself… And it’s always better to share with someone else.”

He set some coordinates and Brielle slowly got up and made her way to the console. The Doctor offered a manic grin and set the TARDIS to hover. Then he made his way to the doors. “Come on, then.”

She could not but help to get caught up in his excitement. She offered a small smile and approached the doors. “What’s out there?”

“No idea. Like I said, I’ve never been here before.”

She gave him a look. “But you know where… and when… we are. So you must have some clue.”

“Why don’t you open the doors and find out?”

She took a breath and then very slowly and hesitantly opened the doors. She could not quite grasp what she was witnessing. After giving her a few moments, he spoke softly, answering her unasked questions. “Welcome to the birth of Ursae Minoris. Also known as Polaris…”

“The North Star.” Brielle breathed her reply.

The Doctor chuckled softly. “Studied Astronomy too?”

She shrugged. “It fed my imagination.”

He nodded, although he was sure she could not see it. “No matter how many times I see a star's birth, it never ceases to amaze me. We're about seventy million years in your past. Polaris is fairly young, and given its position in your night-sky, it's one of the reasons why it burns so brightly. “

He pointed out a distant patch of sky that looked like someone had smeared the area. “There is your solar system. Already old compared to Polaris. But humans haven't started to evolve yet. The most advanced Earthlings are still early mammals. It will be roughly 68 million years before humans as you know them, homo sapiens, appear.”

She shook her head. Not in disbelief of what she was seeing, but with what she was hearing. “All of time and space. We’re just tiny. We must look like amoebas to you.”

He smirked. “Right after the war, I got quite fond of calling you lot ‘stupid apes’.”

“Well, you’re giving us a lot of credit, then.”

He looked down at her with fond concern. He knew she wasn’t talking about all humans, but about herself specifically. “Someone has to, since you won’t.”

She was quiet for some time. And then she realised that space is a vacuum and she could be sucked out. She tried to take a step back and bumped into the Doctor. He asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to fall out! How are we even breathing?”

“The TARDIS. She’s protecting us.” With that, he reached up and pulled himself onto the roof of the police box. He lowered a hand to her to pull her up. “Come on, nothing bad will happen to you.”

She swallowed thickly, but let him pull her up. She sat next to him; there was just enough room for the two of them. She gasped again as she looked around. “I don’t know why you would spend any time on planets when you can just enjoy this all the time.”

He chuckled again. “Well, the TARDIS needs to refuel sometimes and I’ve gotta keep the cupboards stocked.”

She bumped their shoulders in a friendly manner. “Too bad space is a vacuum. Makes it hard for humans to experience such things.”

They were both quiet for some minutes. Finally, Brielle broke the silence. “Doctor, why are you doing any of this for me? I mean… I heard you. I know you don’t want to be involved.”

He shook his head. “You overheard a self-argument. Those are hardly worth listening to…”

She gave him a look that said he’d better start to explain properly. He nodded to the unspoken demand. “It’s not that I don’t want to help. Helping is one of those things that I just do. It’s part of who I am. But sometimes, even more so recently, my helping tends to lead to people getting hurt or dying. I don’t want that to happen, it just sometimes does.”

Brielle wrapped an arm around his back. “I don’t want to be a burden to you or to be the cause of more pain for you.”

He noticed that he did not flinch from her touch. Maybe because he understood that she was as sensitive about it as he was. He nodded once, slowly. “And I want to do everything in my power to save you. So, now you understand my predicament.”

“You said I wasn’t your mess. That this was like ‘cleaning up’. What did you mean?”

The Doctor sighed heavily before he replied. “I’ve never been good with sticking around and helping out in the aftermath of the different disasters I find myself in. There was only one time I did. And I didn’t have much of a choice.” He gently patted the TARDIS remembering their recovery following the ‘Year That Never Was.’ She thrummed gently under his caress. He continued, “You… All you’ve been through. I’m not good with ‘touchy-feely’ anymore. And I just think you could use some of that.”

Brielle scoffed quietly. “You don’t know me as well as you think. I’m not the most touchy-feely person myself. Never have been.”

“I remember you crying when you played your trumpet...”

“Oh and I suppose that not being ‘touchy-feely’ means I’m devoid of emotions?”

The Doctor smirked as he heard the offence in her tone. “No. I suppose it doesn’t. Well, your future is literally whatever you want to make of it. Two non-touchy-feely people travelling the whole of time and space together… What do you think?”

She knew he was inviting her to travel with him. But she could not quite believe it. “I can’t promise that I’ll ever be happy again…” She gestured to the sight before them, but was looking at the Doctor. “But I do appreciate an amazing gift when it’s been granted to me.”

He glanced down at her and offered a faint smile. “Good. Then we both have the chance to accept the gifts given us. And who knows maybe save a few people while we’re at it.”

They each found the other’s hand and gave each other a gentle squeeze, lapsed into silence, and enjoyed the marvel that was before them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed it back to incomplete because, I've been inspired again :)  
> (So many stories, so little time!)


	6. Chapter 6

Brielle was settling back into this thing called ‘life’ with surprising ease, given how she had met the Doctor again only a few weeks ago. Of course with that life being in a ‘bigger on the inside’ blue box travelling with an alien might have something to do with it, since it was completely foreign to anything she had ever experienced before.

The Doctor (and TARDIS) had made sure that their adventures weren’t overly dramatic this early on. It’s not that he didn’t crave a bit of distraction, but he also knew that Brielle just needed a little time. There would be time enough for more dangerous adventures later. Besides, after twenty-four years on Darillium, he needed to readjust to that level of excitement himself. He wasn’t a young man any more, after all.

The Doctor found Brielle to be intelligent, witty, able to keep him in check in the most surprising ways, and kind. If prison had made her hard in any way, it was only in the ways she hated herself. He could work with that. He hated himself too. All of his time with River hadn’t quite removed that part of himself. Maybe they could help each other out where that was concerned.

The Doctor was musing over such thoughts while playing his guitar when Brielle came into the Control Room. Once the Doctor came to a stop, she smiled. “I didn’t know you could play.”

He shrugged. “That? That wasn’t playing. That was the equivalent of doodling.”

She smirked. “If _that_ was ‘doodling’, I think I’d like to hear you play.”

“Oh, you _would_ , would you?”

She nodded. He looked at her for a good long time, debating about what song to play. He was still in a reflective mood himself and he didn’t want to stop that. But he also wanted to show off a bit, so he started to play _Air on the G String_ by Bach. While he kept most of his focus on his fingering, he would risk a glance every now and then to see how Brielle was reacting. He knew from their previous time together that music touched her deeply and he didn’t want to push her emotionally.

She was smiling pleasantly, even if he could see the start of tears glistening in her eyes. Of course, with humans, it was hard to tell if they were ‘happy tears’ or ‘sad tears.’ Still, he continued to play until she gave more of an indication that he should stop.

When he got to the end, she clapped. “That was beautiful.”

The Doctor thought it wasn’t his best, but he couldn’t tell her that. He just shrugged. “Thanks.”

She was stroking the console, clearly in thought. He frowned slightly. “Is everything all right?”

She nodded, but still looked a bit sullen. “It’s just… Do you ever play to the sounds of the universe? I mean, I remember you sharing your song with me. But… You can play guitar, so do you ever play your song?”

He tilted his head as he considered her question. “I’m not the man I was the first time we met…”

She smirked. “So your song has changed. All the more reason why you should try playing it.”

He shook his head. “It hasn’t. Not really. I just…” He sighed heavily. “It reminds me of things; makes me have feelings that are best left untouched.”

Brielle snorted softly. “I see. So, you’re allowed to know everything about me, but I’m not supposed to learn anything about you.” She frowned and met his eyes. “I’ve lived most of my life like that. Trust me, it’s not a good way to live.”

The Doctor tilted his head as he considered what she said. “I don’t know everything about you. I know details. I know some big events. I know that something about those make you feel so worthless and the pain can be so overwhelming that death is the only way to stop it. But I don’t actually know how you feel. I don’t know what you experienced during those events.”

She paled slightly. “I can’t. It… it’s bad enough I had to go through it; I don’t want anyone else to even have to think about it. By not talking about it, I can spare anyone else from feeling like I do.”

The Doctor nodded grimly. “I feel the same.”

He sighed heavily and reached over and pressed a few buttons on the console. Suddenly, the sounds of the universe filled the room. Brielle smiled softly. She was fully awake to appreciate the music this time.

The Doctor remained perfectly still for about a minute. His eyes were closed as he allowed the music to wash over him. Then, similar to what he had done so long ago on Darillium with River, he started to play. Today had more purpose to it than he had then, but the melody he plucked out was almost as random.

Brielle really hadn’t expected him to humour her. But when he started, she sank back into one of the chairs and just listened. Again, this man, this alien, was sharing something with her that was private and personal. It was moments like this that she felt she might be able to trust him as much as he trusted her.

The Doctor played for some long minutes. The melody he plucked and strummed danced its way through the sounds of the universe. Finally, he brought it to an end. Unlike the previous time, neither of them was in tears. The Doctor turned to face her. “Do you still play the trumpet?”

She shook her head sadly. “No. I did play all through high school, though. But then I went to college and found other things that interested me. I still had it until…”

She broke off and then looked at him. Her eyes narrowed. “No. I told you, I’m not talking about it.”

The Doctor moved to the console and switched off the Music of the Spheres. Then he plucked and strummed more random notes on his guitar as he approached her. “I’m over two-thousand years old. I’ve experienced things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. In fact, you might say I have over four billion years of experiences.”

Brielle had lowered her gaze, but at that comment she lifted it again. “You said that before. Billions. What do you mean?”

He nodded once. “Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth with you lot.”

“Hey! This is all still a bit new to me… How was I to know you weren’t being figurative?”

His lips twitched a little as he tried to suppress a smile that she was calling him out. He needed that every now and then. “Fair enough. Come on…”

Her eyebrows knit together as the Doctor left the console room. She started to follow him without question. He led her to a sitting room. It had a fireplace with a couch sat in front of it. Off to the side was a small table with a water kettle and other supplies for making tea.

The Doctor took off his guitar and leant it against the wall, and then he made tea in silence. Brielle instinctively knew this was something he would be doing on his terms, so she took a seat and waited. Soon, he presented her with a mug of tea and sat down beside her.

He didn’t want to try to explain everything to her, so he was quiet for a minute as he tried to pick a starting point. “I told you a bit about the Time War. I ended it. I saved my planet and people by moving them into a pocket universe. Somehow, they escaped it and made it back to this universe. But they were worried about a prophecy about a creature we called ‘The Hybrid’. They knew I had some information about it, so they found a way to capture me so I would tell them.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled something out. Brielle looked at the round gold object in the Doctor’s hand. “What is it?”

“A Time Lord Confession Dial. In your terms, my last will and testament. No one really knows how it works until it is used. We were always taught that was a ritual act of purification. It allows a dying Time Lord to face his demons and make his peace, before his mind is uploaded to the Matrix.”

Brielle looked confused. “’The Matrix?’”

The Doctor nodded. “Basically a living database of all the Time Lords who ever lived.”

“Whoa. So all those people who ever wanted to live forever. They could? At least their minds could?”

The Doctor nodded. “Exactly. Rassilon, he was president and leader of the Time Lords, was mad for power and the desire to live forever. The Matrix was one step to accomplishing that.”

Brielle nodded, but frowned. “Sounds a bit ghastly. Don’t you get any say? I mean, I can’t imagine wanting to be aware of living inside of a computer.”

The Doctor’s lips twitched in an almost smile. “Well, I suppose you get some say. If you don’t die on Gallifrey.” He shook his head, none of that was really the point. “The Time Lords… found a way to get me into my Confession Dial without my being near death. They used it as a torture chamber to extract the information about the prophecy.”

Brielle gasped softly, but said nothing, hoping he would continue. It was some long moments before he did. “I can only assume that the inside of the Dial is different for everyone. Mine was a large castle with a nightmare creature from my childhood chasing me. I knew instinctively that if the creature caught me, it would kill me.”

Brielle frowned and murmured, “Confession Dial… So, if you told the creature confessions, it would stop?”

The Doctor looked at her with almost shock. “You’re very quick.”

She shrugged. “I have my moments. But since the Time Lords were looking for information about that Hybrid thing…. The Dial would release you if you told the creature what you knew about it.”

The Doctor nodded grimly. “Yes.”

“Why do I get the feeling that didn’t happen? Was it like the War? You couldn’t tell them or the universe would be destroyed?”

He shook his head. “Only partly. Another part was I was just so sick and tired of being their pawn. And finally, because I had this friend... We travelled together. She died. Once I figured out where I was, I knew the Time Lords had played a part in her death. If the dial had kicked me out, I wouldn’t be able to save her. If I convinced them I had information about the Hybrid, then I would be able to convince them to save her.”

Her face fell further. “I… I’m so sorry. What happened?”

“I found a way out. When I would tell a confession, as you guessed, the creature would stop. But then the entire castle would move around. Rooms that were closed off to me suddenly were open. It took me about a week to find the right one. The room had only one entrance and at the far end of it was a wall made of twenty feet of pure diamond. Harder than diamond. But you break through anything given time.”

She was holding to her cup so tightly, she was afraid it might break. She took a sip and then set it down. “Dare I even ask how you broke through?”

The Doctor took a sip of his tea before he replied. “You’re well-read. I assume you know of the Brothers Grimm and their fairy tales. Do you know the one about the Emperor and the wise shepherd boy?”

Brielle nodded. “The emperor would adopt him if he gave wise answers. So the King first asked how much water was in the ocean and the boy said he wouldn’t count it until all the rivers in the world were dammed up. Then the King asked how many stars in the sky and the boy asked for a sheet of paper that he covered in dots. He told the king there were as many stars in the sky as points on the paper, just count them. But no one could. Finally, the King asked how many seconds in eternity….” Her voice dropped off as the penny dropped. Several emotions and expressions crossed her features as she tried to put everything together. “So, you were the little bird… But if there was only one way in and out of the room and the creature was still chasing you…” She gasped again as she worked it out, but she kept her voice calm. “The creature caught you… what happened then?”

“This story is so much easier to tell when someone works things out. It burned me. I was too hurt to regenerate, but still alive enough to move. I knew if I could get to the teleporter room, that there would be a copy of me still stored in the hard drive, I just had to get there and activate it.”

Brielle’s eyes started to shine with tears she wasn’t ready to let fall. “You were dying, but still determined to find a way to live. To save your friend.”

The Doctor nodded. “The teleporter needed to be activated, so energy needed to be created and all you need for energy is something to burn. So I hooked myself up to the machine.” He shrugged with a gesture that was more casual than he felt. “And activated it. I was dying anyway, so at least there was the hope that it would work. And it did.”

Brielle swallowed thickly. “How much time passed with you doing that to yourself?”

“Ohila said four and a half billion years.”

Brielle shook her head in confusion. Then she quickly did the math. “About a week, fifty-two weeks in a year. Four point Five… well over two-hundred billion times.” She looked him up and down. “But how…” She took another breath trying to figure out how to express what she wanted to say. “That would cause one hell of an existential crisis.”

The Doctor smirked a little. “It wasn’t as bad as you might think. When I would reset myself, I didn’t have memories of being there before until I had gotten to the diamond wall.”

Brielle shook her head. “But you remember now. You have all four point five billion years, all those deaths you endured… All the times you killed yourself… You remember all of that.”

Her hand made its way up to her neck. There was no scar, no wound, no physical evidence of what she had done. Yet talking about what the Doctor had gone through made her think about her own story. “Is that why you saved me?”

The slightest smile briefly crossed his lips. “No. I saved you because I wanted to give you the chance you weren’t willing to take.”

Brielle frowned. “Death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to someone.”

“You’re right. It’s not. And I think we’ve both been through enough to be able to say that. I used to be terrified of death. In fact, that was the first confession I made: I was scared of dying.”

“Did dying all those times help?”

The Doctor shrugged. “In some ways. In others, well, the death process is still not something I want to go through again for a good long while. But I’m not afraid of it now.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been afraid of it. Growing up as sick as I was...” She shrugged. “When death is always hovering, you tend to learn to make peace with it.”

“So, death never scared you. But I think I’ve figured out what does: living.”

She scoffed. “I don’t have a life worth living. It’s hardly worth being scared about it.”

“You’re lying to yourself. And _that_ is why I saved you.”

Brielle didn’t argue with his words. The pair lapsed into companionable silence. Finally she came up with a question. “I assume you’re familiar with the human philosophical discussion of the Continuity Problem?”

The Doctor chuckled softly. “You mentioned existential crisis before. Do you _want_ me to have one?”

She shrugged. “Maybe _I’m_ having one.”

“I have a bit of one every time I regenerate. Every cell in my body renews itself and I go off with a new body and new personality. But my brain, how it functions, what I think, my memories, that remains in tact.”

“So you have consciousness continuity when you regenerate, but not physical continuity.”

The Doctor nodded. “A bit of physical continuity too. We actually know that only the process renews only some parts of the brain. It’s why regeneration is limited to twelve times. Any more than that and degradation of the mental faculties started to happen.”

He paused for a moment. When Brielle said nothing, he continued. “Why would you be having an existential crisis?”

She looked over at him. “Now who’s being the idiot?”

“Is it because of what you now know about yourself, or is it because of what happened before?”

“Maybe a bit of both? I just….” She sighed heavily; she wasn’t sure how to explain anything. She had kept everything bottled up and hidden for five years and she didn’t know where to start. “When the accusation first happened, I was scared. I’m not an idiot. I knew what happened to people even with just an accusation made against them. I was put on ‘administrative leave’ and was told to just wait… That the kid had made other false accusations and they were sure this one was too and they just needed to go through the process. But all that alone time… All that time to think… I sort of saw all of my hopes and dreams crumble before my eyes. But then, I built myself up again by putting faith in my innocence and trust that being innocent was enough.”

“You were betrayed.”

She huffed. “I was annihilated. And I said I wasn’t going to talk about it.”

“Annihilated. That’s… a powerful word.”

“Why do you think I’m going to talk about this?”

“Because I don’t think anyone has been willing to listen to your story. I only know what I was able to find in documents and news articles. But, you were silent about everything. There was nothing that was told from your point of view.”

She shrugged. “My entire life was a puzzle and I was putting it together, but I had no idea how the picture was supposed to look. Finally, I was starting to see an image take shape and I was actually pleased with how it looked. Until the accusation. That was like someone coming in, breaking the picture to pieces, then taking them outside and throwing them in the air. Some of the pieces were lost, some landed in water and became deformed, some landed in dry places and remained intact, and some were stomped on or damaged in other ways. Then, when I tried to put my puzzle together again, nothing fit right. The image wasn’t what it had been before. I still don’t know how it’s supposed to look now. How can I tell a story when it feels like I don’t exist any more?”

The Doctor had never thought of it like that before. Even when he didn’t know who he was, he had a sense of purpose. There had been some part of his puzzle, as Brielle had called it, that was intact, that he could always trust would never change. He sighed heavily. “You start at the beginning. Maybe telling it will help you see what the picture is supposed to look like now.”

“You don’t have the patience for it.”

He raised an eyebrow at that. “I think that used to be very true of me. I also think that spending several billion years braking out of my Confession Dial has taught me the value of patience.”


	7. Chapter 7

Brielle looked at the Doctor. She was still unsure if he would have the patience for her story. But there was something about his expression…

She sighed heavily as she debated where to begin. “You don’t want to know facts, though. You want to know how it affected me.”

She looked up at the Doctor to see his reaction. “I want to know whatever you’re willing to share. But, I already looked up the facts.”

She sighed again. “The company put me on ‘administrative leave’. People always get it wrong about that. They think it’s like a vacation. They don’t for a moment realise how devastating it is to have one lie ruin your life. Sure I got paid, but I couldn’t function with that hanging over my head. I didn’t sleep. Could barely eat. I just… In a lot of ways, I stopped functioning.”

“My family told me I shouldn’t waste the time off and start a new job search. But how could I do that when I didn’t know what was going to be happening from one day to the next? Everyone thought that they knew better than me what I was going through. They all thought, as I did in those early days, that my innocence was enough, so I should just pick up and move on.”

The Doctor nodded. He knew what that was like better than most. “What happened to make you give up?”

She scoffed. Not so much at the question, but at herself. “They gave me a polygraph test. Did you know they’re not admissible in court? Do you know why? They’re entirely unreliable. Innocent people failed them and guilty people pass them. Really, though I think it’s more a psychological and fear mongering opportunity than anything. I was asked these questions that were rather graphic in detail. I mean, how the _hell_ are you not to have a physical reaction to something that just makes you literally squirm in your seat? And I… I mean they said things that I would never say to someone that I was involved with physically and my discomfort somehow meant that I wasn’t telling the truth?”

Brielle was panting heavily when she got to the end of her question. The Doctor looked at her for a long moment and gave her a chance to calm down. When she didn’t continue on her own, he prompted. “They said you failed. That you lied.”

She pursed her lips. “They did. And they weren’t entirely wrong.”

His eyebrows shot up at her admission. “What do you mean?”

“One of the questions they asked was: ‘Do you trust that I’m going to ask you the same set of questions every time?’ I answered yes to that. That wasn’t the truth. I didn’t ‘trust’ anyone about anything at that point in time. But they _told_ me to answer ‘yes’ to that question.”

The Doctor sighed heavily. “So, you did what you were told rather than answering honestly.”

She nodded. “Which is one of the reasons why they’re not admissible in court. I was caught. I was afraid if I didn’t do as I was told, I’d be arrested. I didn’t consider what might happen if I had lied. Anyway, they came back in and told me I had lied about molesting the child. They kept saying, ‘Oh come on, just admit it, we have the proof right here.’ But I was adamant. I still believed that ‘The truth would set me free.’ They went so far as to tell me they could throw me in jail right then, but they were going to be good or nice or whatever and let me go since my attorney couldn’t be there for the test.”

A few tears had slid down Brielle’s cheeks. She didn’t seem to notice she was crying. When she finally did realise it, she swiped them away furiously. “Like I said, fear mongering. I found out later that I had really pissed them off by being so strong-willed and firm in my innocence in the face of that.” She huffed a wet breath, trying to sound amused.

The Doctor had lifted his hand several times thinking about touching her shoulder, but he didn’t want to startle her. He knew she didn’t really find it funny. Humans could be so confusing. Why try to force a laugh, when nothing about the situation is funny? “Do you think that’s why they went after you?”

She nodded. “I don’t know. Maybe. It was like the more I asserted the fact that I was innocent, the harder they pushed for my guilt. It was still another few weeks after that before I was arrested. I got a new attorney and she was much better, I thought. But the arrest was when everything really went wrong.”

The Doctor nodded. “An arrest would mean a trial. But, they would have to present all the evidence they had gathered.”

She nodded grimly. “There wasn’t any. They did the equivalent of a rape kit, but no evidence was found. They said that didn’t matter though, since ‘so much time had passed.’ And I sat there thinking, ‘They put a _child_ through _that_! Even though they knew nothing decisive would be found? They’re monsters!’”

The Doctor finally dared to cover her hand with his and gave it a squeeze. “All that you were going through, and you still thought about the pain of others. The pain of the person who did this to you.”

She shrugged. “The reports talked about how they did a photo line up for the girl. When she was asked to pick who harmed her, she pointed to the only black person in the line-up. Which, I’m decidedly not. Then, right there in the transcript, you can tell they redirected her to pick me. I didn’t know that was legal!”

The Doctor shook his head. “I wouldn’t know, but I assume the rules about such things are a little different when kids are involved.”

“It’s still not right.”

“I agree. But, it doesn’t sound like much of any of this is right.”

She sighed and gave his hand a squeeze in return before she continued. “They had no evidence, they had more evidence to show that I was innocent rather than guilty, and they were still pursuing me. It wasn’t prosecution. It was persecution. My attorney set up a meeting with the prosecutor to try to convince him to drop the case. He told my attorney that they wouldn’t because ‘someone’ had to pay for all the things that had happened to that child in the past.”

The Doctor’s blood boiled being reminded of that. He didn’t know Brielle had known about it. She sighed. “That’s really when I gave up. I was being sacrificed and there was nothing I could do. How could I possibly fight against a system that seemed to believe that children could never lie – even though that same system teaches and encourages children to lie so they can get what they want? If they don’t like a homing placement, all they have to do was make an accusation and they’d be moved to another one.”

She broke off, her whole body was tense, and her face had flushed. She didn’t have the words to continue further. The Doctor squeezed Brielle’s hand again. “Since truth and innocence had only made things worse for you, you opted for silence.”

She nodded. “There are a lot of misconceptions about the justice system. Starting with thinking that it’s just or a functional system.”

“You know that better than most.”

She started to get caught up in her own emotions. “There is a presumption that a defendant not taking the stand means they’re guilty. Or that ‘administrative leave’ is just a time to party. Or that going through an arrest process is an easy thing. Or…” The Doctor squeezed her hand again. He could tell she needed something to ground her. Brielle took a breath and nodded. “Sorry.”

He shook his head. “ _That_ is exactly why you need this.”

She nodded but remained quiet for some moments. “By the time of the trial, I had lost everyone, either they left, or I pushed them away. I just couldn’t deal with people any more.”

“Not surprising, given the ways you were betrayed.”

She shrugged. “It made it easier in some ways. I didn’t have to think about how the conviction would affect them. They had moved on and by then I was used to being on my own. I was never more on my own than I was when they sent me to the corrections facility. But, I was sort of ready for it.”

The Doctor shook his head. “I doubt that. That’s the lie we tell ourselves because facing the truth is just so hard.”

Brielle smirked. “Something like that. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning. I didn’t talk to my cellmate, did as I was told, didn’t complain…”

“…But didn’t stick up for yourself either.”

“Everyone in jail is guilty for something. Even the innocent.”

“Being in a position when you can’t help others isn’t the same as being guilty.”

This had always been the sticking point for her. “What about the times I could have and didn’t?”

“What about the times you _did_? I think you’re telling your story, but you’re not listening to yourself.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t blame you." He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts.  "Take your reaction when you heard they had put the child through a rape kit. It didn’t matter how hard things had been for you, your first thought was about how hard that must have been for her. How unfair it was to put her through that. Even though, she had set herself up for it by making the accusation to begin with.”

She frowned. “I’m not a saint.”

“But you’re not guilty either. You didn’t deserve what happened to you.”

“I gave up.”

“You still didn’t deserve it.”

“I tried to kill myself.”

“And I saved you.”

She stood up and started to pace. “Why are you doing this? Don’t you understand that was all I had to cling to? Night after night in the dark. The weeks I spent in the clinic recovering from injuries. The days in solitary confinement after an attack. The only thing that got me through was that I decided I deserved to be there!”

She was hollering by the time she got to her last statement. She was breathing heavily. The Doctor just stared at her for a long moment. She stared back. It was when she took a breath and slowly exhaled that he knew she might actually give him a chance to talk.

“All of that got you through. You survived. But now… Now you’re free and you don’t need to think like that. You can work on living.”

Her features crumpled and it took her a moment before she could reply. “I don’t remember how.”

He nodded. “I know. You question how anyone can possibly help you now. You see yourself as beyond help or hope.” He shrugged. “But here you are, fighting, every step of the way to reclaim any part of your life as you knew it. You want to live. Let me help you.”

Brielle had wrapped her arms around her body. She didn’t move and remained standing where she was. “How?”

The Doctor took a deep breath. “When I regenerate, there’s always a time when I don’t know who I am. The question that plagued me this time was ‘Am I a good man?’ What I realised in the end was that, no different from all the people I called ‘pudding brains’, I was an idiot. Travelling in the TARDIS just passing through, helping out, and learning. I don’t have a weapon, just a harmless screwdriver. You’re on the same journey, struggling and learning, and trying to make sense out of chaos.” He smiled at her. “You don’t need to live in chaos now. And I guarantee you that you _are_ a good person.” He stood then and approached her. “And I’m sorry, but any help I can give is exactly what you deserve.” He didn’t give her time to reply as he pulled her into a hug.

She tensed, but didn’t fight him off. Instead she sagged into his embrace, releasing a tension that was greater than either of them realised. She didn’t cry, though. Eventually, her weight seemed too much for her legs. The Doctor could sense this and slowly lowered himself until both of them were seated on the ground. He didn’t let her go, though.

Her voice was quiet when she could finally reply. “How did you do it? Start to live again… after…?”

“I found a human who was about to be attacked, offered my hand, and told her to run. She took my hand and we did.”

Brielle pulled back just enough to look at him. “And you haven’t stopped since. Always running. Always fighting.”

“You’re trying to do the same thing. You just need a little recalibration on where to focus that energy.”

She hadn’t thought of it like that. But the Doctor had a point. She grimaced a little. “Don’t suppose the sonic could speed that up or the TARDIS could help me skip over that part?”

The Doctor shook his head. “There are people who do that. You know there are. They shut down completely and never grow again. They don’t learn. Is that what you really want for yourself?”

She shook her head.

“I didn’t think so.”

She met his eyes. “Will you let me stay? At least for this part? I don’t want to do this alone any more.”

“I feel like I should be asking you that.”

She shrugged. “I asked first.”

He smirked at that. “It’d be an honour.”

“I don’t know how to let people help me.”

The Doctor slowly released Brielle. He stood and held his hand out for her to take. She frowned, the confusion clearly on her face. Slowly, she took his hand and he helped her to stand. Then he offered a small smile. “There you are. You’ve taken the first step to letting people help you.”

She smirked in spite of herself and rolled her eyes. “That’s different, I trust you.”

He raised an eyebrow at her admission. “And that’s the second step.”

She shook her head. “It doesn’t count. I knew you before.”

“You knew your family and friends before, but you haven’t asked to go see them.”

“I’m too afraid they’ll still reject me.”

The Doctor nodded. “You don’t trust them. My point is you’ve learned to trust me, you can learn to trust others too.”


End file.
